Just got to comment...

On chapter 7 in the book. I am still picking it up here and there and discussing it with my friends, Wendy and Carol.

Read what the Lord showed me this morning during my quiet time in the Valley of Vision:
"Be happy in Him, O my heart, and in nothing but God,
for whatever a man trusts in,
from that he expects happiness!"

That echos the words from the book, "we worship what we serve, speak about, sacrifice for, seek after, spend time and money on, and trust in." Since I am worshipping the wrong thing, I am finding myself struggling to be joyful!

"He who is the ground of thy faith
should be the substance of thy joy.
Whence then comes heaviness and dejection,
when joy is sown in thee...

Art thou seeking to rejoice in thyself from an evil motive of pride and self-reputation?
Thou hast nothing of thine own but sin,
nothing to move God to be gracious
or to continue his grace towards thee.
If thou forget this thou wilt lose thy joy.

Art thou grieving under a sense of indwelling sin?
Let godly sorrow work repentance,
as the true Spirit which the Lord blesses,
and which creates fullest joy...

Let God be all in all to thee,
and joy in the foundation that is always full."

Wow.
I have to admit to you that I am still hanging on to my resentfulness. I sometimes resent Anthony's long hours. I resent it because I'm alone a lot. I feel like maybe he doesn't care (of course, he does care). But I'm placing my love and trust in THAT to make me happy. I'm looking to something else but Christ for my fulfillment and satisfaction. I dwell on the behavior of my kids, or the quality of their education, or the 'spiritual' activities of my day to make me feel my worth, my contentment, my joy. I see that I am my own god. My selfishness and deep-seated belief that I should be pleased by others makes me miserable. How many evenings have I ruined for Anthony because of my nearsightedness? So often, I view MY needs as the only ones legitimate. It makes me mad, but I'm feeling sorrow that leads to repentance.

I study so much because I love to. But lately I have been feeling a lack of true spiritual hunger, of the Holy Spirit power working in me. But my heart is turning and yearning for Him, for a fresh reality of Him - not an academic understanding of Him.

I can't believe how well this book has pinpointed my heart:
"As long as things are going well in the areas you have your heart set on, you will feel all right. When they do not turn out as you may desire, frustration and perhaps anxiety begin to build even to the point of desperation... In addition to the frustration and possible anxiety, God also frustrates your idol worship because He wants your pure devotion to Him!!!!" p. 64

The list of wrong desires vs right desires is wow. I have to say, my desires are so wrongly placed. And we ask, "Well, what's wrong with wanting his affection? with wanting him to fulfill my needs? What's wrong with him making me feel special?" The enemy can be so subtle. My answer can be so cliche - "Christ can fulfill you. He can answer all your needs." But that's the truth! I have forgotten this - how do I keep this truth continually before me? I must learn to dwell on His Word all day long.

Thank you for letting me go on and on. I don't know who is checking the board but I wanted to put this out there somewhere so I don't forget! Praise the Lord that He doesn't leave me alone! He wants me to Himself and draws me to Him even when I am unfaithful to Him.

Love Jules